Broken Record

I've said this before, but YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.  I've been working out but eating the crappiest food.  Despite the consistent exercise, I feel like CRAP.  There's no point in going halfway in this process.  I AM ALL IN!

Ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and Face The Strain)

I recently joined a gym and have gone to work out three times this week. It was hard to get back into the groove of wanting to exercise, but now that I'm back in routine, I look forward to it. I used to have to convince myself to try to be happy, just as I am convincing myself to work out now.

While I was at it, the La Roux song, "Bulletproof" came on my iPod. They played it at the memorial service for the family member who passed this last Christmas because it was his favorite song. I couldn't help but choke back some tears while I kept running. I thought of his parents and brother, left behind to live without him. I thought of the fact he will no longer play or run or grow. I thought of how I once so desperately wanted to be gone, like he is now.

With all this on my mind, my feet felt heavy, pounding against the conveyor belt of the machine I was operating. My sweat and tears mixed on my cheeks, as my thoughts muddled. I survived my suicide attempts and depression and everything I have. I should treat my life as the opportunity it is. I want to honor my fallen family member as much as I want to live a life worth living. With a sound mind and healthy body, my life is more than just a time frame of events, but an opportunity for the fullest kind of happiness.

Changing A Lifestyle

I always write about positivity in these posts. I must confess it is a weird and unfamiliar territory for me, not only in the way I think, but especially in the way I write. In the past, I've been regarded as an exceptional writer. I was known for my dark prespective as much as my grasp of using language as a tool. Everything I wrote had deep and complicated meaning and I wrote with every word carrying that weight.

Lightening the load has been a lifelong process. I have had to learn to see the world in a different way, especially in the past six and a half years. After being hospitalized in ICU for my last suicide attempt, I had to decide that enough was enough. That decision is not at all different from the choice to live healthily. I see them as one in the same, a first step followed by another toward a complete lifestyle change.

Jumping Hurdles

Keeping up with working out, eating healthy and writing this blog has been a challenge- as you may notice from the inconsistent posting. The thing is, there will always be challenges. I am a firm believer in the power of affirmation, will and self. If I let these challenges and hurdles grow, I take away my own strength. Reading back on past posts, I seem annoyingly optimistic... Still, there is no point to any of it without that optimism, empowerment and strength. I will not shrink under these hurdles, but I will leap over them, as they come and as they are.