Day 16: Nuts

Nuts!  I got nuttin to say today.

I know I just wrote "Don't stop, get it get it" only yesterday, but I'm going to stop today.  I'm just tired.  lol  Sorry.

Day 15: Don't Stop, Get It, Get It

On my walk today, I felt the strain from skipping a day's workout.  There were a few times I wanted to stop to rest, but I kept trudging through.  I think it's important to push myself harder.  If I were to rest or give up, even if for 30 seconds to a minute, it would only be detrimental to the progress I have made.  Just like skipping yesterday's workout, I have to keep going.  Don't stop.  Starting over is harder than keeping on.  I'll never know my limit if I never push myself to them.  I can do it, so I should do it.

Day 14: Discouragement

I'm thinking a weekly weigh in might have been a bad idea.  I get so easily discouraged and weight so easily fluctuates withing a short amount of time.  I'm thinking monthly might be better.  Even every other week would be better, I think.  I didn't really gain weight this week, but it's still not very motivating to see little to no results come every week.  So, maybe I should weigh myself less often and focus on living positively.  That's what matters, after all.

Day 13: What's Cookin, Good Lookin?

What's cookin?  I'll tell you what's cookin... NUTTIN.  And a whole lot of it.

I need to teach myself how to cook.  I am actually not that bad when I do, but I am just too lazy to bother, which, I suppose, is what got me into this mess.  It's come to the point, though, that I can't handle another bite of a pepperoni lean pocket.  That's all I've been eating, because I buy them in bulk.  It's not even different flavors!  I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!

I need to go to the grocery store.  From here on out, it's lean meat and veggies.  I'll still eat carbs because I am working out a lot.  Life changes, man.  Simple life changes.

Day 12: Daily Grind

Maintaining an agenda for both exercise and writing is proving to be quite the task.  I knew it would be a challenge, and I am enjoying it, but it is hard.  I don't only mean the outline I planned in yesterday's post, but the task of this daily blog is hard to churn out.  I don't know if anyone is actually reading it, but I am writing it for myself.  I am writing it for the sake of writing.

Part of this 42 weeks is gaining the discipline of doing these tasks of exercising and writing.  Also, by writing out my daily thoughts during this challenge, I am very conscious of my emotions and feelings.  For example, once I wrote about my fears of delving back into Bulimia in Day 9's post, I felt much better.  The moment passed.  I expunged my feelings of wanting to purge my food by getting the feelings out of my head and onto paper.

Although it's hard, I appreciate the daily grind.  I thrive off of it.  I know it will make me better and that makes it easier to execute.  I'M GON GET MINE.

Day 11: And Now It's Time For A Breakdown

If you've been reading this blog, you know I've been struggling the past few days with the diet and exercise regimen.  I haven't really been focusing on writing, either, though.  It's time to put my priorities in order and do this right and with fervor.  I only have 40 and a half weeks left, after all.

In order to obtain my goals, I must have an outline or course of action.  40 weeks is not a long time at all.  So, I must work at it every day.  I don't work or go to school, so I should at the very least be able to better myself!

The plan is to eat 1500 calories or less a day.  I will walk 1.25 miles in the morning (alone) and .75 mile in the afternoon (with the dogs).  I will write every day in between walks.  That is my job from here on out.  I can and will do it.

Day 10: Motivation

I'm putting together a workout playlist of songs to motivate me on my daily walk.  My current jam is Britney Spears' "Work Bitch," haha.  It's like the anthem to my life right now.  I'd love some suggestions or songs similar to that.  A lot of my music is old, but I have a hard time finding stuff.  Here's what I have so far:

Get Me Bodied (Extended Mix) / Beyoncé
Ego (Remix) / Beyoncé ft. Kanye West
Schoolin' Life / Beyoncé
Run the World (Girls) / Beyoncé
Showdown / The Black Eyed Peas
Work Bitch / Britney Spears
I Wish / Cher Lloyd
Hollaback Girl / Gwen Stefani
Yummy / Gwen Stefani
Feedback / Janet Jackson
So Excited / Janet Jackson ft. Khia
Holy Grail / Jay Z ft. Justin Timberlake
Run This Town / Jay-Z  ft. Kanye West & Rihanna
Jump In / Jessica Sanchez ft. apl.de.ap
Do It Like a Dude / Jessie J
Feisty / Jhameel
Damn Girl / Justin Timberlake
5 AM / Katy B
Roar / Katy Perry
Dark Horse / Katy Perry ft. Juicy J
Madhouse / Little Mix
We Are Who We Are / Little Mix
Make You Believe / Little Mix
Do Something / Luminites
Can't Hold Us / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
Gold / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
White Walls / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ft. Schoolboy Q & Hollis
How To Be A Heartbreaker / Marina And The Diamonds
Primadonna / Marina And The Diamonds
We Are Golden / MIKA
Na Na Na / My Chemical Romance
Maneater / Nelly Furtado
Still Into You Paramore
Wildfire / The Saturdays
30 Days / The Saturdays
Notorious / The Saturdays
Birthday / Selena Gomez
Come & Get It / Selena Gomez
Haters Anonymous / Sky Ferreira
Game Over / V V Brown

What do you listen to when working out?

Day 9: Unspoken Fears

I was hesitant to write today because all that's been on my mind kind of scares me.  I was very excited and enthusiastic about losing weight the right way at first, but I think I've gotten to the point where those old habits are starting to creep up on me.  I want to eat seldomly, and once I have eaten, I want to throw it up.  While I haven't actually purged, I wasn't going to write about my desire to at all.  I've come to realize, though, that the silence is probably contributing to my mental decay.

I see my therapist soon and am going to continue to exercise and resist the urge to vomit.  I'm scared of old habits dying hard is all, I guess.  If the feelings come up, I should definitely be telling someone about it, though.  Talking about it is just another means of defending myself from my tendencies.

I shouldn't try to deal with these feelings alone.  I have support and should utilize all my resources.  It's a matter of productivity and sense, as well as my well-being and health.  I'll get through this, with help.

Day 8: Reality

I went to the psychiatrist for a follow-up to my first appointment.  That meant the result of my blood work was in and as it turns out, although my blood sugar is normal, I am Pre-Diabetic.  The psychiatrist said I should keep working on losing weight because that is my best bet at avoiding full-fledged Diabetes 2.

I gained two lbs and I am Pre-Diabetic.  This is going to be harder than I thought.

I know I can do it, but I am a bit (a lot) freaked out.  Both my parents and most of their siblings have Diabetes.  I feel really discouraged today... I think because of the news of this threat and also the weight gain.  I need to work out, though.  I simply must do it... I've got to.  If I stop now, I may never start again.  That's the real threat.

Wish me luck (and strength)!

Day 7: Weigh-In

Today was a huge struggle.  It being my dad's birthday, temptation lurked around every corner.  My willpower stood strong- for the most part.  Seemingly, it wasn't enough, however, because I GAINED 2 LBS.

My best friend, Cassie, was telling me before I weighed in how easy it is to get discouraged by the slightest weight gain.  I didn't believe her, but... it's the truth.  lol  I'm just going to have to work hard and keep it up.

It's not so much the weight gain that got to me, though.  It's that when I told my mother, she said, "Oh, you have to work harder."  I don't know if I'm just snippy because of said failure, but that struck a nerve...  Haters gonna hate, I guess.  Let's give them something to fuel their fire.  ;]

Day 6: You Are What You Eat

So today was a bad day.  I stayed up all night and woke up late.  Tomorrow is my dad's birthday, so my parents wanted to go out.  By that, I mean, they wanted me to drop them off at their hotel, stay the night at my sister's and celebrate over a birthday breakfast tomorrow. I agreed, but had to hastily get dressed because of my late start to the day.  So, once we left, we were rushing.  And hungry.

Naturally, we had to get cheap, fast food.  The thing is, though, we stopped at this Mexican place that took forever!  We could have had something healthier!  Anyway, that's beside the point and beyond my control now.  I ordered a couple of tacos because I felt like it was the least harmful item on the menu.  It turns out today, the last day before my weekly weigh-in, is going to be a "cheat day."  NOOOOOOOO!

I felt awful after consuming the tacos.  It wasn't so much an emotional indigestion rather than a physical one, though.  I did feel remorse, but I could also feel the grease and fat of the tacos boiling and bubbling within.  It's not worth it.  I'll be the first to admit I love a good taco, but it's just not worth it!  All the hard work I've put into the temple I'm trying to salvage that is my body gone to waste in two bites of a four inch tortilla with meat?  Hell no.  I felt groggy and gross.  I missed the energy and lightness that came with my diet.

I'm not saying I'm steering clear of bad food forever, but I am taking this "watching what I eat" thing way more seriously, if only for the feelings these bad and good foods evoke in me.