Broken Record

I've said this before, but YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.  I've been working out but eating the crappiest food.  Despite the consistent exercise, I feel like CRAP.  There's no point in going halfway in this process.  I AM ALL IN!

Ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and Face The Strain)

I recently joined a gym and have gone to work out three times this week. It was hard to get back into the groove of wanting to exercise, but now that I'm back in routine, I look forward to it. I used to have to convince myself to try to be happy, just as I am convincing myself to work out now.

While I was at it, the La Roux song, "Bulletproof" came on my iPod. They played it at the memorial service for the family member who passed this last Christmas because it was his favorite song. I couldn't help but choke back some tears while I kept running. I thought of his parents and brother, left behind to live without him. I thought of the fact he will no longer play or run or grow. I thought of how I once so desperately wanted to be gone, like he is now.

With all this on my mind, my feet felt heavy, pounding against the conveyor belt of the machine I was operating. My sweat and tears mixed on my cheeks, as my thoughts muddled. I survived my suicide attempts and depression and everything I have. I should treat my life as the opportunity it is. I want to honor my fallen family member as much as I want to live a life worth living. With a sound mind and healthy body, my life is more than just a time frame of events, but an opportunity for the fullest kind of happiness.

Changing A Lifestyle

I always write about positivity in these posts. I must confess it is a weird and unfamiliar territory for me, not only in the way I think, but especially in the way I write. In the past, I've been regarded as an exceptional writer. I was known for my dark prespective as much as my grasp of using language as a tool. Everything I wrote had deep and complicated meaning and I wrote with every word carrying that weight.

Lightening the load has been a lifelong process. I have had to learn to see the world in a different way, especially in the past six and a half years. After being hospitalized in ICU for my last suicide attempt, I had to decide that enough was enough. That decision is not at all different from the choice to live healthily. I see them as one in the same, a first step followed by another toward a complete lifestyle change.

Jumping Hurdles

Keeping up with working out, eating healthy and writing this blog has been a challenge- as you may notice from the inconsistent posting. The thing is, there will always be challenges. I am a firm believer in the power of affirmation, will and self. If I let these challenges and hurdles grow, I take away my own strength. Reading back on past posts, I seem annoyingly optimistic... Still, there is no point to any of it without that optimism, empowerment and strength. I will not shrink under these hurdles, but I will leap over them, as they come and as they are.

Help Yourself

As you might be able to deduce from the lack of posts on my blog over the last month, the weekly meetings have come to an abrupt halt after only a couple of sessions. While it is harder to lose weight alone, I keep reminding myself it's not only doable but necessary. I also think that just because we may not meet up the way we had planned, it does not at all mean I am in this by myself. I know my friends are struggling as much as I am and that we must keep at it.

I am pleased that I've lost a decent amount of weight in the last month, but it's time to put some effort in! I can't help if we don't meet and track together, but I can help MYSELF. That's all there is to it.

No Loss No Gain

The weekly weigh in has come and gone and I weigh the exact same as I did at last week's meeting.

I am happy that I have not gained any weight, but I am a little disappointed I had not lost any either. I am taking it positively, but realistically at the same time. With no loss, there is no gain. I don't mean to say that I must lose x amount of lbs every week, but if I want to change, I do need to drop some every now and then. I can't remain content with the lifestyle I am shedding. I must embrace what I have and strive for what I don't. Without loss, there's nothing to gain.

Reap What You Sow

Today was hard for me, but I completed it. I did not work out as hard as other days, but I did work out- and any exercise is better than none at all. I sometimes worry because Cassie and Christin seem to be eating better and working out more than I do, but I have to remember I am not competing with them. I am challenging myself.

I am still learning how to think positively. I am on the right track, but it's easy to compare myself to others or think about how tired I am in the middle of a work out or focus on how sore I will be later. I am constantly reminding myself otherwise. A positive outlook is the most important factor in this whole endeavor.

Send love and you will receive love.

Extracting Poison

I am fortunate to have my friends. They support me wholeheartedly in every way I need. There are those in my life who not only try to bring me down, but do so under the guise of "helping." My friends, however, truly help me when I am down, celebrate me when I'm on top and talk sense into me when I'm unreasonable.

I think it's immensely important to have a support group of any kind and caliber. To be able to trust and be vulnerable with people can be frightening, but incredible and empowering. It's easy for me to fall prey to vultures in my life, but this group of friends I've cultivated keeps me strong.

Healthy living is more than just fitness and diet. Extracting poisonous people is vital to a sound mind and happy life.

Positivity

In a few weeks, I will complete my first 5k walk. As silly as it may sound, I was a bit nervous about it. Cassie told me, very simply, to just remain positive. "If you think you can do it, then you'll be able to do it," she explained.

Positivity is an empowering thing. For instance, it does not matter if I ever take my first step toward a healthier lifestyle, if I don't think I will continue or keep it up. What's the point without that motivation or drive? Losing weight or working toward a goal or even living life is pointless if one is not not only enjoying the journey, but if one is doing it without that positive reinforcement. All that work would be futile.

Enjoy every aspect of your life... especially those moments of improving it.

Changing It Up

Yesterday, Cassie convinced me we could and should squeeze in a workout. I was happy when we ended up doing a moderate mile at the park before starting the rest of the day. I was ready to just go along with my day without a workout, but Cassie asked, "Why not?" Why wouldn't I exercise when I had a chance? I felt much better knowing I had accomplished some kind of activity in the day instead of just floating along as I have. I must change my way of thinking and take more opportunities presented to me.

If you don't change the factors of an equation, the answer will remain the same.

Shadow and Self

It seems silly, but the thing that really drives me forward on walks is looking down and seeing the giant shadow I cast. I am walking so that I can be proud of every last bit of me- down to that shadow.

There are parts of myself I truly like and parts I want to improve. There is nothing I really, viably HATE. It's taken me my whole life to get to a point where I don't carry any self-loathing.  Even as a child, I hated looking at pictures or videos of myself. It was torturous.

I kind of put of dieting and such on hold for a long time because I was scared of how I might become obsessed with it as I once was. Although I've let myself gain so much weight, I am happy I waited. I was too much of a mental mess to delve into this journey before. I am of sound mind now and absolutely ready to take the steps necessary toward a completely healthy life.

Introducing Me

Today was the beginning of our weekly weigh ins. We measured and weighed ourselves, as well as set goals and wrote motivating things in notebooks Cassie put together for us. I expected I had gained back all the weight lost last Fall. While I did re-gain the inch on my neck, I actually lost a few pounds! It's a great motivation to start this thing off on the right foot.

We will meet every Thursday- I look forward to it. :]

Ritual

Starting tomorrow, my apartment will be the weight loss mecca for my friends. My best friend and roommate, Cassie, thought we should host meetings/weigh-ins for our group of friends struggling with weight loss. We all agreed it's a great idea, kind of like weight watchers meetings and not so much like high school melodramas, haha.

Today, I re-started my workout regimen with some Pop Pilates on youtube and will be going to the apartment gym soon. I also started logging my calorie intake again. You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.

Here's to working toward a better future.

Moving On

It's been a difficult few months. Since the sudden death of a young family member on Christmas Day, I've been secretly and silently reeling. I do not know how to cope with this immense loss. I had already stopped my daily exercises by the time we lost him, so I do not mean to blame my lack of action or motivation on him or his passing. I do not speak about my sorrow or confusion, mainly because I don't feel like I have much of a right to feel so. I wasn't very close with him. I go about my days as I always have... With some kind of secret within I am far too scared to release.

I keep telling myself to be strong and honor my little nephew, but most of my mind is clouded with unanswered questions and painful realizations. It is not often I allow myself to deeply delve into my thoughts of him, but I do think of him constantly.

I know I can not let myself fall into the habit of aimless wandering, clutching to pity and woe. I must take action. Enough is enough is enough.