Day 16: Nuts

Nuts!  I got nuttin to say today.

I know I just wrote "Don't stop, get it get it" only yesterday, but I'm going to stop today.  I'm just tired.  lol  Sorry.

Day 15: Don't Stop, Get It, Get It

On my walk today, I felt the strain from skipping a day's workout.  There were a few times I wanted to stop to rest, but I kept trudging through.  I think it's important to push myself harder.  If I were to rest or give up, even if for 30 seconds to a minute, it would only be detrimental to the progress I have made.  Just like skipping yesterday's workout, I have to keep going.  Don't stop.  Starting over is harder than keeping on.  I'll never know my limit if I never push myself to them.  I can do it, so I should do it.

Day 14: Discouragement

I'm thinking a weekly weigh in might have been a bad idea.  I get so easily discouraged and weight so easily fluctuates withing a short amount of time.  I'm thinking monthly might be better.  Even every other week would be better, I think.  I didn't really gain weight this week, but it's still not very motivating to see little to no results come every week.  So, maybe I should weigh myself less often and focus on living positively.  That's what matters, after all.

Day 13: What's Cookin, Good Lookin?

What's cookin?  I'll tell you what's cookin... NUTTIN.  And a whole lot of it.

I need to teach myself how to cook.  I am actually not that bad when I do, but I am just too lazy to bother, which, I suppose, is what got me into this mess.  It's come to the point, though, that I can't handle another bite of a pepperoni lean pocket.  That's all I've been eating, because I buy them in bulk.  It's not even different flavors!  I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!

I need to go to the grocery store.  From here on out, it's lean meat and veggies.  I'll still eat carbs because I am working out a lot.  Life changes, man.  Simple life changes.

Day 12: Daily Grind

Maintaining an agenda for both exercise and writing is proving to be quite the task.  I knew it would be a challenge, and I am enjoying it, but it is hard.  I don't only mean the outline I planned in yesterday's post, but the task of this daily blog is hard to churn out.  I don't know if anyone is actually reading it, but I am writing it for myself.  I am writing it for the sake of writing.

Part of this 42 weeks is gaining the discipline of doing these tasks of exercising and writing.  Also, by writing out my daily thoughts during this challenge, I am very conscious of my emotions and feelings.  For example, once I wrote about my fears of delving back into Bulimia in Day 9's post, I felt much better.  The moment passed.  I expunged my feelings of wanting to purge my food by getting the feelings out of my head and onto paper.

Although it's hard, I appreciate the daily grind.  I thrive off of it.  I know it will make me better and that makes it easier to execute.  I'M GON GET MINE.

Day 11: And Now It's Time For A Breakdown

If you've been reading this blog, you know I've been struggling the past few days with the diet and exercise regimen.  I haven't really been focusing on writing, either, though.  It's time to put my priorities in order and do this right and with fervor.  I only have 40 and a half weeks left, after all.

In order to obtain my goals, I must have an outline or course of action.  40 weeks is not a long time at all.  So, I must work at it every day.  I don't work or go to school, so I should at the very least be able to better myself!

The plan is to eat 1500 calories or less a day.  I will walk 1.25 miles in the morning (alone) and .75 mile in the afternoon (with the dogs).  I will write every day in between walks.  That is my job from here on out.  I can and will do it.

Day 10: Motivation

I'm putting together a workout playlist of songs to motivate me on my daily walk.  My current jam is Britney Spears' "Work Bitch," haha.  It's like the anthem to my life right now.  I'd love some suggestions or songs similar to that.  A lot of my music is old, but I have a hard time finding stuff.  Here's what I have so far:

Get Me Bodied (Extended Mix) / Beyoncé
Ego (Remix) / Beyoncé ft. Kanye West
Schoolin' Life / Beyoncé
Run the World (Girls) / Beyoncé
Showdown / The Black Eyed Peas
Work Bitch / Britney Spears
I Wish / Cher Lloyd
Hollaback Girl / Gwen Stefani
Yummy / Gwen Stefani
Feedback / Janet Jackson
So Excited / Janet Jackson ft. Khia
Holy Grail / Jay Z ft. Justin Timberlake
Run This Town / Jay-Z  ft. Kanye West & Rihanna
Jump In / Jessica Sanchez ft. apl.de.ap
Do It Like a Dude / Jessie J
Feisty / Jhameel
Damn Girl / Justin Timberlake
5 AM / Katy B
Roar / Katy Perry
Dark Horse / Katy Perry ft. Juicy J
Madhouse / Little Mix
We Are Who We Are / Little Mix
Make You Believe / Little Mix
Do Something / Luminites
Can't Hold Us / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
Gold / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
White Walls / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ft. Schoolboy Q & Hollis
How To Be A Heartbreaker / Marina And The Diamonds
Primadonna / Marina And The Diamonds
We Are Golden / MIKA
Na Na Na / My Chemical Romance
Maneater / Nelly Furtado
Still Into You Paramore
Wildfire / The Saturdays
30 Days / The Saturdays
Notorious / The Saturdays
Birthday / Selena Gomez
Come & Get It / Selena Gomez
Haters Anonymous / Sky Ferreira
Game Over / V V Brown

What do you listen to when working out?

Day 9: Unspoken Fears

I was hesitant to write today because all that's been on my mind kind of scares me.  I was very excited and enthusiastic about losing weight the right way at first, but I think I've gotten to the point where those old habits are starting to creep up on me.  I want to eat seldomly, and once I have eaten, I want to throw it up.  While I haven't actually purged, I wasn't going to write about my desire to at all.  I've come to realize, though, that the silence is probably contributing to my mental decay.

I see my therapist soon and am going to continue to exercise and resist the urge to vomit.  I'm scared of old habits dying hard is all, I guess.  If the feelings come up, I should definitely be telling someone about it, though.  Talking about it is just another means of defending myself from my tendencies.

I shouldn't try to deal with these feelings alone.  I have support and should utilize all my resources.  It's a matter of productivity and sense, as well as my well-being and health.  I'll get through this, with help.

Day 8: Reality

I went to the psychiatrist for a follow-up to my first appointment.  That meant the result of my blood work was in and as it turns out, although my blood sugar is normal, I am Pre-Diabetic.  The psychiatrist said I should keep working on losing weight because that is my best bet at avoiding full-fledged Diabetes 2.

I gained two lbs and I am Pre-Diabetic.  This is going to be harder than I thought.

I know I can do it, but I am a bit (a lot) freaked out.  Both my parents and most of their siblings have Diabetes.  I feel really discouraged today... I think because of the news of this threat and also the weight gain.  I need to work out, though.  I simply must do it... I've got to.  If I stop now, I may never start again.  That's the real threat.

Wish me luck (and strength)!

Day 7: Weigh-In

Today was a huge struggle.  It being my dad's birthday, temptation lurked around every corner.  My willpower stood strong- for the most part.  Seemingly, it wasn't enough, however, because I GAINED 2 LBS.

My best friend, Cassie, was telling me before I weighed in how easy it is to get discouraged by the slightest weight gain.  I didn't believe her, but... it's the truth.  lol  I'm just going to have to work hard and keep it up.

It's not so much the weight gain that got to me, though.  It's that when I told my mother, she said, "Oh, you have to work harder."  I don't know if I'm just snippy because of said failure, but that struck a nerve...  Haters gonna hate, I guess.  Let's give them something to fuel their fire.  ;]

Day 6: You Are What You Eat

So today was a bad day.  I stayed up all night and woke up late.  Tomorrow is my dad's birthday, so my parents wanted to go out.  By that, I mean, they wanted me to drop them off at their hotel, stay the night at my sister's and celebrate over a birthday breakfast tomorrow. I agreed, but had to hastily get dressed because of my late start to the day.  So, once we left, we were rushing.  And hungry.

Naturally, we had to get cheap, fast food.  The thing is, though, we stopped at this Mexican place that took forever!  We could have had something healthier!  Anyway, that's beside the point and beyond my control now.  I ordered a couple of tacos because I felt like it was the least harmful item on the menu.  It turns out today, the last day before my weekly weigh-in, is going to be a "cheat day."  NOOOOOOOO!

I felt awful after consuming the tacos.  It wasn't so much an emotional indigestion rather than a physical one, though.  I did feel remorse, but I could also feel the grease and fat of the tacos boiling and bubbling within.  It's not worth it.  I'll be the first to admit I love a good taco, but it's just not worth it!  All the hard work I've put into the temple I'm trying to salvage that is my body gone to waste in two bites of a four inch tortilla with meat?  Hell no.  I felt groggy and gross.  I missed the energy and lightness that came with my diet.

I'm not saying I'm steering clear of bad food forever, but I am taking this "watching what I eat" thing way more seriously, if only for the feelings these bad and good foods evoke in me.

Day 5: Improvement

Before starting my exercise regimen, I lost 8.5 lbs by counting calories and exercising a total of about ten minutes in three and a half weeks.  I decided I would give myself this 42 week resolution, write this blog and exercise after those first few weeks to see even more improvement.  The first week of my challenge is a little more than half way over and I'm a little nervous.

I don't know if I've lost any more weight in this first of 42 weeks, but I can already tell I'm improving in my health.  I am not only more energetic and happy (Yay for endorphin boosts!),  but I feel more physically capable of doing things.  I walk about a mile and a quarter every two days and each time, my time has improved by a whole minute.  Even if I had not known that, though, I would be able to tell you I've improved because it is slowly but surely getting easier to complete that mile and a quarter every time I do.

I'm enjoying myself so much, in fact, I've decided to add push-ups and crunches to the daily routine.  WOOHOO!  A little effort goes a long way, so if I do five pushups a night until I can do ten and then fifteen and then fifty... I'll be reaching my goal with flying colors, I think!  Baby steps are okay, as long as steps are indeed taken.  That's what I think, anyway.

Day 4: Picture It

I've decided to take a weekly photo log of my weight loss progress.  I think I will post them altogether at the end of the 42 weeks, as opposed to posting them right when I take them.

I wish I took more pictures when I was fit.  I was so dissatisfied with my body then, even though I was in such great shape.  Even though I did not binge or purge during my training as a competitive cheerleader, I felt the illness taking hold of me.  I was completely engulfed by the thought of imperfection.  I remember hating taking photos because I felt like I looked like a cow.  I felt as though I looked like I had no self-control or discipline in my life.  I thoroughly hated myself.

After quitting cheer, I only got more depressed.  Depression then contributed to my weight and eating disorder.  I eventually was able to stop throwing up, but I lost control of all my eating habits.  I went from micro-managing every morsel that passed through me to not being able to withhold from eating anything and everything.

Someone once told me I would be bulimic forever, even once I found stability.  I think just picturing that scared me from one disorder to another.  Picturing the fear, unhappiness and need to control the rest of my life caused me so much anxiety that I became something else entirely.  It's like my last post said, attitude makes up for a lot of training.

Picture what you've had.  Picture what you want.  Visualize it and make it so.

Day 3: Good Training/Staying Positive

I was out on my run/jog/moderate walk when I crossed paths with a dude riding his bike.  Up until this point, I had run for a bit and was walking the rest of my mile.  It still only being the third day of this quest, I was heaving and trudging through each painful movement it took to take the next step.  I was suffering.  The funny thing about this guy on the bike, though, was that he had a chihuahua balancing on the handlebars and bar between his legs.  It was like this: the dog was standing up, holding onto the handlebars to keep balance, while the man peddled away down the streets of Southern California.  I was amused and impressed.  Then the thought occurred to me, that is just simply GOOD TRAINING.

Odd as it is, that motivated me enough to pick up the pace and not only heighten my step, but do it with enthusiasm.  I started to think with each spring of my step.  Good training is more than just eating right and working out.  Training is more than the actual physical tasks.  It is also training the mind to stay positive.  That dog could easily look down or lose balance or freak out in the least and plunge to a painful medley of gravel in its ass, but it had good training.  It was trained not only to precariously position itself on the bike, but to do so happily.  Other dogs are walking among themselves, while this one is flying, with the wind in its ears and sun on its back...

I finished my mile faster today than a couple of days ago.  I like to think it's the physical improvement of my body, but also my mind and attitude.  It's all the good training I've been putting myself through.  ;]

Day 2: Small Choices

I'm visiting my sister who has lost 70 lbs over the past year.  We were getting lunch and although I didn't really want to, she convinced me to walk.  The destination was only a half mile away and parking, as it can tend to be in LA, was horrendous at both places.  I knew it only made sense to walk, but I just didn't feel like climbing up and down the hills of Silverlake, be it a mile (roundtrip) or SEVEN!  (I'm exaggerating.)

The walk really wasn't all that bad, though.  I'm still a little sore in my quads because yesterday was the first mile I've walked/run/attempted in YEARS.  The hills had me wheezing a bit and I did definitely struggle, but once the GRUELING task of a half mile was defeated, I felt good.  It made me realize those seemingly inconsequential choices do make an impact in the end.  Life lessons.  Diet life lessons, that is...

Day 1: Post Workout

Maybe it's the excitement of starting this journey, or perhaps the endorphin of exercise, but I am feeling GREAT.  I got up to a late start today, but once I was awake, I was up and at 'em.

I am in terrible shape, but I am trying to build up my physical stamina with youtube fitness guru Cassey Ho, AKA Blogilates!  You're supposed to do a sequence of her videos, but I struggle finishing one most of the time.  I really felt guilty about this before, but I honestly was wheezing and shaking by the time ten minutes of her cardio videos were up.  lol  Today, I finished one of her videos and felt... normal, if not energized.  I knew I could take more, so I decided more should be taken.  I set up my RunKeeper app profile and set to the streets.  I only ran for about a total of a minute and a half, if that.  I did complete a little over a mile, though!  It was painful, even though I was only walking.  I know, though, that pain is temporary and that these results will be life-altering.

I used to be super-fit, as a competitive cheerleader in high school.  I ran a 6-minute mile and could lift girls up in the air, both with a stunt group and as a single base.  As a competitive cheerleader, I had no room for my eating disorder.  So for the year and a half that I trained, I was completely and legitimately healthy, by the book.  It was before and after the pep squad that I had trouble keeping food down.

As an adult, I always feared going back to that dark place of bulimia.  I don't want to live the way I had then, but I most certainly never wanted to live the way I do now.  Instead of binging and purging, in my adulthood, I've disregarded all qualms of self-control.  It is time to find a happy, healthy medium.  It is time to find myself again.

Prologue

Wish me luck (and strength), because I've decided to buckle down.  In 42 weeks, I'll be 27 years old.  By that time, I want to be at my goal weight and finished with my memoir- or at least with a draft I'd be willing to let my peers read.

I've always been a writer.  Reading was a favorite pastime before I even started school and I always knew I had a knack with words, formally.  Hopefully, it translates to this blog...

I have not, on the other hand, always been overweight.  Certainly, most of my life, I've been dissatisfied with my body image and self-esteem, but that's something else entirely.  I struggled with bulimia throughout my childhood and adolescence until it seemingly formed into a different type of monster altogether.  I went from controlling every oz that went into my body to an utter lack of control whatsoever.  That's how I've found myself here.

I'm actually a month into my diet.  In the beginning, I was eager, but... in lack of a better word, skeptical.  It's been less than a month and I've lost 8.5 lbs with hardly any exercise.  That first bit of loss is the spark that's ignited this journey.  So, here we go... Logging on myfitnesspal.com, counting calories, exercising, stretching... I'm ready for it all and rearing to go!