New Year, New Look, New Page

It's been a while! Although it's well into the new year of 2015, I am still fighting to honor my resolution for a healthy lifestyle. I have failed myself thus far, but I am not giving up.

Earlier today, as I prepared to go to the gym for the first time in about a month, I realized something very depressing and motivating. I am only 5'2- on a good day. So, the weight I'm supposed to be ranges on the lower half of one hundred and something. Basically, I am MORE THAN DOUBLE the size I am supposed to be. MORE THAN DOUBLE.

I could cut myself into pieces and people would think those pieces were clones instead. Like, I am equivalent to more than TWO of myself. That's no good. That's no good at all.

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment and I am working on a healthier lifestyle. That epiphany, however, has truly shaken me to the core. The core found underneath all the fat of two and  a half peoples worth.

I am not trying to sound negative. It's merely the reality of the situation and I am addressing it for the first time... ever, really. I've acknowledged my bad health and obesity before, but not like this.

Good things are happening in my life and great things are still yet to come. The world is providing me with all the happiness I can handle- a foreign but welcome feeling. I owe it to myself to live a life that allows me to embrace the huge happiness that my life has become and is becoming.

So I did some math. Mind you, I'm worse at math than I am at dieting. (Maybe that's why counting calories seems so elusive a task...) If I consistently lose 3 lbs a week starting NOW, I will be at my ideal weight, according to myself AND bmi charts, in a year. 52 weeks.

That sounds so challenging, but I find it motivating and a little bit GREAT. I don't want to suffer anymore. I am finally in a place of loving myself. I should show my body the love I feel for me.

Broken Record

I've said this before, but YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.  I've been working out but eating the crappiest food.  Despite the consistent exercise, I feel like CRAP.  There's no point in going halfway in this process.  I AM ALL IN!

Ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and Face The Strain)

I recently joined a gym and have gone to work out three times this week. It was hard to get back into the groove of wanting to exercise, but now that I'm back in routine, I look forward to it. I used to have to convince myself to try to be happy, just as I am convincing myself to work out now.

While I was at it, the La Roux song, "Bulletproof" came on my iPod. They played it at the memorial service for the family member who passed this last Christmas because it was his favorite song. I couldn't help but choke back some tears while I kept running. I thought of his parents and brother, left behind to live without him. I thought of the fact he will no longer play or run or grow. I thought of how I once so desperately wanted to be gone, like he is now.

With all this on my mind, my feet felt heavy, pounding against the conveyor belt of the machine I was operating. My sweat and tears mixed on my cheeks, as my thoughts muddled. I survived my suicide attempts and depression and everything I have. I should treat my life as the opportunity it is. I want to honor my fallen family member as much as I want to live a life worth living. With a sound mind and healthy body, my life is more than just a time frame of events, but an opportunity for the fullest kind of happiness.

Changing A Lifestyle

I always write about positivity in these posts. I must confess it is a weird and unfamiliar territory for me, not only in the way I think, but especially in the way I write. In the past, I've been regarded as an exceptional writer. I was known for my dark prespective as much as my grasp of using language as a tool. Everything I wrote had deep and complicated meaning and I wrote with every word carrying that weight.

Lightening the load has been a lifelong process. I have had to learn to see the world in a different way, especially in the past six and a half years. After being hospitalized in ICU for my last suicide attempt, I had to decide that enough was enough. That decision is not at all different from the choice to live healthily. I see them as one in the same, a first step followed by another toward a complete lifestyle change.

Jumping Hurdles

Keeping up with working out, eating healthy and writing this blog has been a challenge- as you may notice from the inconsistent posting. The thing is, there will always be challenges. I am a firm believer in the power of affirmation, will and self. If I let these challenges and hurdles grow, I take away my own strength. Reading back on past posts, I seem annoyingly optimistic... Still, there is no point to any of it without that optimism, empowerment and strength. I will not shrink under these hurdles, but I will leap over them, as they come and as they are.

Help Yourself

As you might be able to deduce from the lack of posts on my blog over the last month, the weekly meetings have come to an abrupt halt after only a couple of sessions. While it is harder to lose weight alone, I keep reminding myself it's not only doable but necessary. I also think that just because we may not meet up the way we had planned, it does not at all mean I am in this by myself. I know my friends are struggling as much as I am and that we must keep at it.

I am pleased that I've lost a decent amount of weight in the last month, but it's time to put some effort in! I can't help if we don't meet and track together, but I can help MYSELF. That's all there is to it.

No Loss No Gain

The weekly weigh in has come and gone and I weigh the exact same as I did at last week's meeting.

I am happy that I have not gained any weight, but I am a little disappointed I had not lost any either. I am taking it positively, but realistically at the same time. With no loss, there is no gain. I don't mean to say that I must lose x amount of lbs every week, but if I want to change, I do need to drop some every now and then. I can't remain content with the lifestyle I am shedding. I must embrace what I have and strive for what I don't. Without loss, there's nothing to gain.